Love

I am not one to use the words "I love you" loosely. If I tell you that "I love you' then it is for real. I have never told any young lady I have dated this, up until my most recent ex girlfriend. I told her after much soul searching and making sure that I was ready to say it and that she was the one I wanted to say it to. She had been telling it to me for a few months before I told her that I did. I was up front with her in letting her know how I felt about those words and when I was ready to say it I would say it. She was ok with that, which took a huge weight off my shoulders. Our relationship was mostly over the phone due to the fact I am active duty stationed in VA and she lives in Utah. We talked on the phone as much as we could if we weren't talking on the phone we were texting each other. I loved talking to her on the phone. Seeing her photo show up on my caller ID on my cell put a smile on my face, even something as simple as a text message from her put a smile on my face. I use to call and wake her up for work so she wouldn't be late and just hearing her voice in the morning made my day so much better than it would have been. I had never felt the happiness, the warmth, the love that I did.

Every chance I got I went and saw her and every chance she got she can to see me. Lying in the bed with her holding her as she slept I couldn't help but sleep the best sleep. I loved taking care of her when she had a headache or whatever was wrong. I had no problem getting out of bed to go get her water, an Advil, chocolate milk, or whatever she needed. As long as I was there she never paid for food or anything for that matter. She barely had to lift a finger. I loved lying on the couch cuddling wrapped up in a blanket watching a movie. As long as I was with her or she was in my thoughts very little was ever going to ruin my day.

We were doing well with the long distance relationship. There were plans in the works for me to move to her after I got out of the military later this year. I had already talked to a school, she had me set up with a job, and I was going to be living with her at her house she owns. I was truly happy. I was not scared to move to a state where I knew no one but her and her family and a few of her friends. I was excited to do this I felt as if I was ready to start this major step in my life. I found myself thinking of things in the future, marriage, kids, a house, and a dog. I felt as if I truly loved her and still feel as if I love her know. It seemed as if all was well and that I had found my true love and at such a young age.
She came home with me for thanksgiving this year and I went out there and spent time with her and her family for Christmas. It was an amazing Christmas, it was one of the best I had had in a while. I felt as if I had found my home away from home. I was comfortable with her family and felt as if they had welcomed me with open arms. I had taken a liking to them and I miss them.

We would have been dating 8 months on the 8th of February. But in January something’s started to change and by the end of the month we were no longer together. She became confused, didn't know who she was, what she wanted, how she felt, she became unsure of everything she had been once so sure of. This is believed to be cause by her losing her good job that she had and with that went her financial security. She began to feel useless, hopeless, and unwilling to find a job. She hit a huge state of depression and has yet to come out of it. She is showing signs of hope now though. She has found a job and is currently going through training. Maybe she is on her turn around.
But when she told me that she was confused, lost, and unsure of everything I told her I would give her time and put everything on hold till she was back to herself and knew what she wanted. I waited about 2 weeks and I just couldn't take the pain, the lack of sleep, the struggling to hold back the tears, for just wanting to crawl in a whole and not come out until I was reassured that I would never hurt again. So I told her that for me to be able to save us, our memories, our love, and the hope that there would be an US again that I have to end it, because my mind is destroying its self along with my heart. So we ended it and I am still having the hardest time sleeping, stopping my mind from destroying every good thing I have and remember of her and of us. I am slowly regaining control of it, but it is a slow process.
We still talk from time to time and text ever so often. I have told her to call or text me when she wants so that away I know she wants to talk to me and I don't know her new work days when she gets off and goes to her 2nd job, so it is easier if she text me. She text me the other day telling me she still thinks of me. I ask her how she thought of me when she thought of me. She told me that someone asked her where she saw herself in 5 years and she thought of me. So in my eyes that means she still cares about me and that she may want to get back together in the future when she has herself all squared away. She asked me if I ever thought of her in bad ways. I told her randomly but not that often which is true. I still love her and would love to get back together with her. But if we do things are going to be different this time.

If we are to be together again in the future she is going to have to move to me after we have started our relationship back up over the phone and visits when we can. Then if we feel we are back to the point to where we feel we are ready to move in with each other that’s when she will have to move to me. I have too good of a job lined up back in Texas for me now. If we are meant to be then we will end up together, if not then this was one more step that will get me closer to the one I am to spend forever with.

Thanks for reading.
Chris