Why Can't I Sleep

Ok so it is 2:55 a.m eastern standard time and yet again I am up. I usually am up at this time on days that I work because I work the night shift where I work. But it seems hear recently when I try to go to sleep even after I get off work at 6 a.m that I can't fall asleep till sometime between 10 and 12 in the morning. When I do finally get to sleep it is not a sound or a solid sleep. I wake up like every half hour till around 3 in the afternoon then I finally pass out and sleep sound till about 6 pm then I have to rush to accomplish everything that I have to do that day before everything closes. If I have to work then I really have to rush to get done what I need to do before work.

Could this be caused by the recent events that are listed in the previous post? Could it be that it has finally caught up with me and I am so stressed that I don't even know that I am stressed. I know that I am taking this break up the worst than any other in the past, but it is for obvious reasons. I was ready to start mine and her life together. She said she was ready as well, then without warning if was all gone.

I know I haven't felt the same since it happened. I have just felt numb, like nothing fazed me, nothing hurt, nothing made me happy, nothing made me feel anything. There were days and moments in those days that made me smile and for a few minutes maybe an hour. It is sad when I look forward to going to work, because it keeps my mind occupied and not thinking about her and what was.

I want to sleep; I know my body is tired and drained. I just can't get my mind to stop thinking about the most random shit sometimes. Most nights now it is not even about her or of things that are important. Like why I couldn't sleep about an half hour ago was because I had the song, " I wanna rock" stuck in my head, kept thinking that I am hungry, I can't wait to go home and see everyone. There are so many more things that were running through my head.

I know I still love her, that hasn't changed. I still love her as much as I did when we were together. It’s like my brain is having an internal battle with its self. One side still doesn't believe that we aren't together; it thinks that we are just on a break for a little while and that everything will be back to normal soon. The other half know that we are no longer together and that we may never be together ever again, just that we will always be stuck in the "friend" category of life, where I have been placed more times than I care to count.

I just hope that soon I will be able to figure this out and so will she. Maybe I am thinking a little out of my age here but I was ready for a serious relationship. I am tired of feeling like shit when in this case I did nothing wrong for once. The only thing that could be said that I did wrong was care too much. But how could that be said when she was returning it the exact same. Hell she was the one who said it first about marriage, kids, house a dog and all that.

If me and her don't end up together hopefully the next person I am with will truly love me for me in my entirety, my positives, my negatives, my immature moments, my music, my tattoos, my piercing, that I like to drink on occasion, that I don't always say the right thing, that I don't always tell you how I feel, that I don't think all the time, just because we are both on the couch doesn't me we have to cuddle, and if I don't sit right next to you on the couch doesn't mean I don't care anymore.

I am even un-sure if me and her would have made it forever together or even to marriage but the thought was there and there was a possibility that we could have made it. She was the only girl I ever thought of the future with like I did, and that far down the line.

One day this all will make since to me and I will understand why this happens. I just have to look on the bright side of every situation, keep my head up, and wait for the right moment for true love to happen. If she decides that she wants me then we will try again, and if it is meant to be then it will happen if not then life goes on.

Thanks for reading
Chris