I’m tired of being unhappy. I want the happiness I once felt even in the most minuscule of things. I miss the little things that use to make me happy. I feel as if most are gone, just for a while, but it makes my life seem empty and barren. I use to have no problem sitting at home watching a movie or playing a video game or playing my Bass Guitar. But now if feel like my room “home” has become a prison, a tomb to hold me. Yes I know I could change this just by going out and doing stuff but there is only so much stuff that you can do alone and still be happy, have fun, and enjoy. But most of it, to me at least just seems to remind me of how alone and depressed I really am. But this isn’t an everyday thing, it like once maybe twice a month. Which may not seem that bad but to me it is the worst thing. I love the small thing and tend to remember the small things better than the big things. I remember that yesterday the 8th would have been mine and my ex’s 10 month anniversary. I also remember that the 6th of January of this year was the day that my world came crashing down. Ok so those aren’t small things. Ok how about this, I remember that my ex must sleep on her stomach and that she always has one hand behind her and she sleeps the best sleep if you are able to hold her had while you sleep. She loves to cuddle as do I. She hates getting up in the morning. I know this is just rambling and that this may not mean anything to you the reader.
I hate how I let other peoples moods affect my own. I could be having an amazing day then someone I really care calls or text me and tell me or hints that they are having a bad day and instantly my mood changes. I love listening to people and trying to help them solve their problems or just being a shoulder to cry on or just someone to vent to. I don’t think I will ever have a problem with it and hope I never do. I know I have a big heart and I care too much at times to early on but that is just me. Sometimes I wonder how my heart still ticks with the pain and suffering I have been through. Maybe I am stronger than I thought I was. I hope I never find the limits of my strength cause if I do go to my limits I probably won’t make it back from that.
I don’t know what I want to do about what is going on with my ex. I know I want her in my life in some way. I truly wonder if all we are meant to be is friends if we can truly ever be friends like we were. I know it will be tough but I wonder if I will be able to suppress the feelings I have for her to where I can function normally and be able to care for the next person I am with. That is one of my biggest fears, is that I will miss something while I am trying to get my head straight or de clouded I should say. I think I just need to get out of this state and back home. Once I get back home and get my life and career path started then slow, I’m sure, will things start to fall into place. Maybe this just wasn’t the right time in my life for me to get as serious with someone as I did. There are just too many unanswered questions that I know will never get answered until it is the right time. I just need to slow my head down and focus what really important right now and stop worrying about things that I have no control over. Just go with the flow and pay attention to everything so I don’t miss a thing. Well here’s to hopping I can keep this mentality going for a while.
As always thanks for reading.
Chris
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