Today has been....

Today has been one of them days that has just been shitty all around. The weather was horrible today and yesterday it has rained for the last 2 days, I haven’t been able to stop my mind from being all over the place and wanting someone here (in VA) to notice something is wrong and that today was just not a day to be alone.

Today has been one of them days where I would just have loved to have been held or comforted in some way. To have someone here to tell me everything is ok, to just not be alone in this hell of a state anymore. All the people I have to lean on are no where close for me to lean on. Talking on the phone helps but sometimes and today was one of those times that a physical person to lean on or hug me or hold me would have meant the greatest thing in the world to me.

Today was one of them days were where I just wish I had on off switch for my brain so I could have a moment of peace up there. Even at work today I had to try my hardest to focus on work so nothing bad happened. I can’t stop my mind from drifting to the same place it always goes. It always goes to her. I can’t seem to keep my thoughts from going to her every free moment I have my mind instantly goes to her. I try to be strong and force my mind to think of other things and most days it works but then there are days like today and nothing seems to help. The only thing that would help would be to be home with friends.

Maybe it is a combination of things, me being stressed about being able to afford a plane ticket to see my sister graduate, the thing with my ex, me getting out of the Navy soon, Wondering if I am going to have to live with dad when I get out, if James is going to get into Pharmacy school so we can get a place together, wondering if I will have enough money to make the trip home, if I am just destined to be alone in this life, where did I go wrong with my ex, was it my fault, or was it what she says it is, is this a big test of some kind….. All those thought s go through my head all day everyday plus many more. I am amazed how I can even accomplish anything throughout the day. I just want to be happy and not alone anymore. I don’t think I have ever felt as alone in my life as I have in the last few months. I hope that once I make it through this that I never feel like this again. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. One person can only take so much emotional hurt before they just completely close up. I don’t want to close up that is not who I am but it is becoming harder each and every time I am let down or hurt emotionally.

Today hasn’t had a glimpse of a happy moment in it all day. I hope my luck and my mood changes tomorrow. I hope that my luck will change for the better in the near future,

In a way with my ex a part of me will always be waiting for her. That I know won’t change and I don’t think I want it to change. I just hope that she can get herself back to who she was not for mine and her sake but for her sake alone. If I and she don’t end up together then we were just meant to be friends. All I want for her in life is for her to be treated as she deserves and for her to be happy and get as close to her personnel fairy tale as she can. If that is with me then great if not then I understand.

I will never recent her for anything nor will I ever regret anything that we did or that happened between us. She was the first person I ever dated that I said I love you too. I meant ever word of it. We had a good run, maybe wasn’t the right time maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. But I loved her and still do love her. She forever will hold a special place in my heart even if down the line we stop talking. I guess as I always say only time will tell what is meant to be.

With a sad/heavy heart and mind thank you for reading

Chris

{I love how getting these thoughts out of my head ease my mind and heart a little every time I write one of these. }