I feel...

I feel abandoned, used, abused, forgotten, worthless, useless, un sure of what I want, lost, misguided, mistreated, played, made a fool of, mocked, un wanted…

I feel all that was once know and made me feel any of the above things has been taken away from me in one foul swoop, but was not done intentionally. I feel as if all was done without knowing it was done, and probably would/will never know it was done unless told by me. I feel as if the person who has done this to me will never know that they have done this. That I will put on a happy face for them. That they will continue to think that I am ok with them taking the time that they need to figure things out for themselves. Never knowing that I am being destroyed while they do so. Yes this is emotionally and probably physically as well.

Maybe one day I will be able to tell them how this has affected me. Maybe they will never know how it has affected me. Yes this does still have to do with my ex and yes it is tearing away at me more than I had thought until these last few nights. But this will not change my plans of going to see her and hoping that her seeing me and that I still in my heart feel the same way about her. That all the things listed above are in my head not in my heart. My heart and my head do not think the same way on this matter.

My heart has stayed feeling the same way through all of this. That has been the one thing about the whole situation that has stayed constant. I do tend to follow my heart and let it lead me down the path, but on this matter I keep jumping back and forth on the matter. For a while I will follow my heart and all will be fine and on most of those days I can get my mind to follow. But then there are other days that my mind takes over and those are the days that are the bad days.

My mind has not stayed constant through this. It has flip-flopped back and forth on this. When me and her where together my heart and my mind were on the same page and I knew what I wanted and was on a good path and life was looking well. Then when all the bad shit happened they became torn and unsure of where each stood. There have been days where I truly didn’t care where me and her ended up. There have been days where I knew I wanted to get back with her and would do everything I could to help her fix herself again to where she would know what she wanted again. There have been days where I have asked myself why does this keep happening to me, why do I keep letting myself be an emotional martyr for everyone else, and help them become happy, but I get shit on and left alone and abandoned.

There have been people who have and are helping me through this and without them I would have given up hope on this whole thing months ago. They have been there when I and she were together and they know how I truly feel and they have known that since the first time they saw me with her. They know I love her and they keep advising me to follow my heart for a little while longer because they think a turn for the better is coming up. I will continue to follow their advice for a little while longer. The reason I will continue to follow their advice is because my heart is telling me that it’s right.

I know this probably sounds like I am trying to convince myself what to do and maybe I am. At this point I am so confused with this whole situation that at this point today so far into this day that neither my heart nor my mind truly knows what to think about this entire thing. Maybe this is the best way to approach this whole situation. Just approach it as numb, no feelings about it, and no thoughts about it. Just a clear head and heart, so that away if I get let down then there will be minimal pain, and if I don’t get let down and this takes a turn for the positive then there could only be good feelings about it.

All of that and so much more are going through my head that it is keeping me awake and trust me I want to sleep, I need to sleep. I just wish that I had the control of my thoughts and my heart like I use to before this went down.

I was ready to spend my entire life with her. I knew what I wanted to do in life, job wise, I knew where I wanted to live, I knew I loved someone who loved me the same back, but then all of that was taken from me. Everything I was once so sure of was taken; she told me that is how she feels that she lost her certainty of things. Which maybe so, but the way hers was taken was not done by a single individual; it was done by her losing her really good job, {that’s my theory on it}. All of mine was taken by the hands of a single person. Someone who I had fully opened up to, never lied to, never would lie to, would never in a million years think of cheating on her, someone who I had give my entire heart to and was ready to give my entire life to.

But yet with all of this I am not angry at her, I don’t hate her; I do not regret anything that we did, or has happened. I guess all I want to know is does she want me back, does she just want to stay friends? I want to know that and when will I know that, will it be soon or will it be a few months from now or a year from now?

I just need to keep my mind clear and not worry about things I have no control over and just remember that if it is meant to be it will happen and only time will tell if it is meant to be. I am sure if I can keep reminding myself of that that I should be ok until I find the answers to the questions that need to be answered.

With very confused heart and mind, thank you for reading.

Chris