I feel like crying right now and I have no idea why. Could it be that finally all the emotional stress I have been through has caught up with me? Could it be that I just need a good old fashion cry fest to relieve some of this stress that I am carrying around and have been carrying around for the past 2 months. It could be many different things in my life that just make me want to cry on this day.
If I lived alone I probably would be crying right now and not typing this. I wish I knew why it is that I feel like crying. Could it be that tomorrow I will be with my ex and with her for the next week and that I am worried that after the trip I will be told that she no longer sees a future with me? Or could it be that I have freaked myself out and have blown things out of proportion as I tend to do from time to time. I know and have been told that me with too much time on my hands to just think always gets me into trouble. I know that this is true, could this be what is plaguing me at this time.
I have not done anything really in the last week because I no longer have many friends here where I am for various reasons. So I don’t get to do much and my work schedule doesn’t exactly help either. As a person there are only so many things that you can do alone before they become depressing and lose the joy they once had.
So I feel alone and abandoned a lot. Most of my friends I have are back in Texas and can’t just stop by on a whim and hang out. I need to find something to occupy my time. I have tried video games, but beat them too quick or just lose interest in them. I have tried reading but can’t really find what kind of book I like. But another dilemma that inhibits me from doing things is I need to be saving money for the various things I have coming up and eventually my getting out of the service. So I need to find something that is cheap, entertaining, and will hold my interest.
Maybe I am just tired of being stuck in this mundane rut I have been in for the last year or so. Maybe I am over this military thing and just ready to get on with the next chapter of my life. I don’t think all this has been caused by me and my ex but I am sure some of it has been.
I guess I am looking for a sign or the answer to the question that we have all asked probably more than once in our lives, what next, where do I go from here, what lies before me on this path I have chosen in life. I don’t think I want a full answer to those questions just a hint or a clue on what lies before me in; life, love, career, and happiness.
I am unsure how I went for wanting to cry to contemplating thoughts of the future. Maybe they are connected in some way. I want to be sure of things again. I have a feeling by the 31st of this month I will be sure of something.
By the 31st of this month I should be sure of where I am living and what my job will be. I gave my ex a dead line 3 months ago that if she told me she wanted us to be together before that deadline I would still move there and be with her. Well if she doesn’t tell me by the 31st then I will be moving back home and working at the family business. So that I will be sure of by the end of March, hopefully at that time things will start to make sense once again. If she decides after that time that she wants us to be together again, then she will have to move to me. I think I have given her enough time to get at least an idea of what she wants. That does not mean that if she doesn’t tell me by the end of the month that she wants to be together that there will not be a chance of there being and us again. All that means is that she has lost the chance of me moving there. She will still have a chance of there being an us again, but there will be a point when I will have to start looking again because I can’t put my love life on hold waiting for her to figure out what she wants forever. I can do it for a good while but there is a limit.
With a confused mind and watery eyes, thanks for reading.
Chris
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